25.10.2016

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I have been so hard on myself
I’ve spent a year trying to do be right
Wanting to grieve right
Working hard to hurt right
And follow unwritten rules
In a non existent code book
On how my pain should get to me
I have been hard on myself
Trying to be a hero without a cape
All because I heard others call me brave
I couldn’t let them all down when they say I’m strong
So I found a brave face and a smile
I obeyed the rules of the strong
I held my head high and kept to my act
I shunned the tears and walked with the crowds
I wanted so badly to do much better
Be much stronger
Get back to normal
I was wrong
I didn’t need that
I am here now and I know

Pain is okay 
Grief is not weakness
Tears are not ugly
Mourning has no codes
I’m allowed to hurt in anyway the pain gets me
I’m allowed to grieve however long my soul needs to
My heart knows my reality
My spirit will mend at its own pace
And I won’t have to act strong
Or smile when I really should be crying
Or party with crowds when I need to be alone
I’m giving my soul its power back
I won’t be anyone’s hero
I won’t be sorry for not smiling
I won’t explain my absence at parties
I won’t act happy to make others comfortable
My reality is mine alone
No shrink nor priest
No healer nor diviner
Not even scripture and law
Can direct the course of my pain
My healing unfolds
My journey not ended
I am here